4. DYNAMICS AT PLAY
We spend more time with ourselves than we do with any other individual in our lives. Let that sink in for a moment. Theres a lot of pressure to have a healthy social life, bustling with action and activities, but there’s not a lot of attention given to personal time. I’m all for being social and enjoying that pleasure of life — but it is equally important to understand ourselves seperate to our relationships to understand the dynamics that relationships play in our lives. It’s really difficult to see things clearly when we are entangled within them. Sometimes our relationships can act as a shield between us and the world. Supplementing or replacing our own need to develop traits or skills that would really serve us. It’s a really natural thing to do, to seek out relationships that compensate for parts of ourselves we wish to expand, but without noticing this dynamic — if relationships change it can leave us feeling hollow or unable to facilitate this trait ourselves.
For example — Growing up I was always quite a soft sweet natured kid. My people pleasing nature was a default characteristic and I found to really hard to speak up for myself if it meant disappointing or inconveniencing someone else. In adolescence, I had a best friend that was almost the total opposite — she had an extraordinary ability to speak her mind and did as she pleased. As we became closer and soon best friends, I noticed that I would often let her speak on my behalf if things didn’t go as I had planned. I sat back in my little ‘too sweet’ bubble, as she had to have difficult confrontations or communicate needs in social situations. In this dynamic, I robbed myself of learning how to speak up and communicate AND my friend of being able to sit back and not have to be the ‘difficult’ person.
You may have your own unique relationship dynamics — we all do! The presence of them is not an issue by any means. They are a symbiotic flow of what it means to be close with someone different to us. It’s also ok to play different roles in relationships. The intent of this conversation is not to judge our dynamics but rather —highlight what they are — and seeing if we can develop traits we may be offloading out of fear of embodying them ourselves.
To illustrate this a little more clearly — Being different to who you have a relationship with (friendship or romantic relationship) is amazing! We all possess different traits and different skills that uniquely contribute to our relationships and the roles we play within them. However — sometimes we seek out people that possess traits that we wish to embody ourselves but are AFRAID to embody ourselves. When this is the case, it can be really beneficial to explore what that embodiment would look like.
Lets explore this in more depth below:
Use the following as prompts to explore in a private journal space.
Is there someone in my life I want to be more like? If so — who is it, and why?
Is there someone in my life I want to be less like? If so — who is it, and why do you reject this trait?
Are there any traits in my close relationships that I’m using to supplement my lack there of? (Being direct, being kind, responsible, spontaneous, fun loving, disciplined etc.)
How would it feel to fully own and embrace this trait in myself?
What would that look like me doing more (or less) of?